Country Fix

Having lived almost half of my life in a rural area, population 200 at best, of Nova Scotia it's adequate to say that I am a country girl at heart. The other portion of my life I've lived in a large urban city with a population of over 300, 000.


Every so often I find myself needing a country fix and usually fulfill that need to get out into the country by visiting my friends Barb&Lise who live on the north shore of Lake Erie, Ontario. What started out as a visit once a year has quickly become a tradition. How so? Well let's just say I got Barb and Lise hooked into birdwatching big time.

When I was younger and still living in Nova Scotia I got hooked into bird watching way long before it was considered a cool hobby. I was the geek at 15 years of age who was always walking the roads of the small community I lived in with binoculars at the ready and a bird guide in my backback along with notebooks.

Birdwatching for me was my sanctuary from the crazy world I felt I lived in. I had always had an interest in nature and it got refined when I started making out lists of the birds I would see each day, or lists of the arrivals of specific birds in the spring and compare them to data from the book "Birds of Nova Scotia" by Robie Tufts, the same book I still refer to as my birding bible.

Oftentimes people would describe a bird to me they had seen hoping I could help them identify it seeing as they knew I had a keen interest in birds. It was pretty much that same manner of inquiring about a bird that helped launch Barb and Lise into the foray of watching birds.

My friends life in such a prime spot for birdwatching, especially in the spring for a lot of different birds fly over the shores of Lake Erie and Lake Ontario on their way to their breeding grounds.

In less then a month I too will be migrating of sorts to the area so I can get my fix of country life and birdwatching. Everytime I go visit be it in the spring or the fall without fail I end up seeing a new bird I've never seen before. Last year armed with my new digital camera I was able to get pictures of birds I would have never dreamed of getting pictures of.

This year it is my hope to be armed with a new pair of binoculars. Words can't begin to describe how much I am looking forward to getting to my friends and do some serious bird watching. They've teased me about being such a bad influence on them for getting them into bird watching and photography. Admittedly it tickles me silly to think I've had such an influence on them, so much so I've laughed the most evil laugh I could at times when they remind me of what I've done to them. Hehehehehehehe.

Follow Up

There is something I feel I failed to adequately express in my post yesterday about School Shootings. The words I wish I had expressed to the teacher, involved in my sitatution back in the 80's whom I talked to in the fall, are "Thank-you" for having the courage to do what you did. It's hard to know what might have transpired had you not taken the action you did.

School Shootings

In this complex world of ours that keeps getting more complex with each passing year I have watched the phenomnum of school shootings happen with more frequency. The first one that really caught the public's attention was the Columbine shooting and Canada has not been immune with the Montreal Shootings in 1989 and other school shootings since.

It's been over 25 years since I graduated from High School. Nothing could ever make me want to go back to being a teenager. Throughout the years I spent in school it encompassed not just learning the abc's I endured constant bullying.

On a level somewhere deep in my being I can appreciate to some extent why the school shootings happen. When I was in High School in the late 70's and 80's I had always been a loner to a large extent but no so more than in Grade 12. I don't know why the people who hassled me chose to, whether I was perceived as a weak target I am not sure. I do know that when I hit my mid teens I began experiencing more depression. As the bullying and torment continued I started to have thoughts of taking a gun, with no bullets, into school to scare the hell out of my tormentors. I wanted them to feel as tormented as they had made me feel. I had reached a level of frustration that had me thinking of doing something I had never considered before.

Somewhere along the line I confided my thoughts to a teacher I had previously confided in alot. The end result I had not expected. But essentially what transpired from my expressing those thoughts to the teacher who then reported, as required by law, my state of thinking to the health nurse who in turn notified my family doctor. I had come home from school the next day to find my doctor at the door talking to my mother and then to me. He told me to not go after the teacher and I didn't. I was too angry and felt too betrayed that I hardly spoke to the teacher for the remainder of the year which equalled my discomfort sitting the classes the same teacher who taught one of the classes with everyday. Other than that nothing really happened because of the teacher reporting the situation to the proper authorities, life went on as usual as if nothing had happened and I continued on my spiral of dealing with depression and life in general.

Years went by and I lost touch with the teacher. I recently had a chance to connect with that teacher with the help of the internet. I called the teacher one evening last fall and essentially let them know that they had done the right thing back then. In that conversation it was revealed to me that reporting the situtation was required of teachers by law, back then I didn't know that. All I felt was deep betrayal. The teacher said to me that in the years since we had lost touch I was like a loose end to them and also expressed gratitude for my call.

In my eyes looking back on that time resurfaces everytime there is a school shooting. Not only do I think about what would have happened had I gone through with my thoughts. Would I have been arrested? Would I have hurt anyone? On the other hand I am grateful to the teacher for doing what they did, I do believe that action alone prevented me from doing something really really stupid.

Having experienced what I have places me in a unique position of talking about this issue. Although they are my own thoughts and opinions I feel compelled to share them.

I do think that one of the common threads of all these shootings is that of the shooter being disenfranchized on some level be it at home, school or society in general which just stems into the loner experience. Two distinct issues exist for the one being bullied is: first wanting to straighten out the bullys and two just have someone simply hear the one being bullied. Whether the listener truly understands is not the first priority but simply knowing someone is listening and truly hearing your in trouble can mean alot. Once it feels like someone is listening and really cares it can make a difference. I don't know if the school shootings can be prevented but if there are warning signs they can't be ignored.

It wasn't until someone, a doctor finally clued into the idea of me taking anti-depressants and showing genuine compassion did I find my life start to improve. I consider myself lucky that I didn't go into school with a gun. Even though nothing was done to really help me back then it was a whole different world now, I would implore anyone who thinks they know of someone who is exhibiting behaviour out of the ordinary for them talk to someone, the police, counselor if they are already in therapy. Don't let things slide.

Luckily I didn't do anything even though things were left to slide in my situation. Don't think twice about the betrayal the person will feel, time will change their perspective I know my perspective changed. I am grateful that I am still alive and was able to talk to the teacher and say Thank-You.

Retail has seasons mixed up

A few weeks ago, in mid august, one morning I went to get my mail. Of course being in a building where you have to buzz in means anyone delivering stuff either buzzes or leaves said items on the outer side of the door. On this particular morning I noticed a catalogue was leaning again the window. Instinctively I knew it was from Sears. What I wasn't expecting when I verified that it was for me was that it was the Christmas Wish Book, as it is known here in Canada.

Now I am not a big fan of winter to begin with, seems the older I get the more I dislike winter. But it's rather mind blowing to be picking up a Christmas Catalogue on a day when the heat was unbearable, like above 30C and the humidex readings over 100 F.

What pray tell are retailers thinking when they ship Christmas related stuff in what is still the season of summer? Do they honestly think that more people will buy earlier? Not me. Even at Costco's they have not only Christmas wrapping paper and artificial Christmas trees but they have Halloween stuff on the shelves and August isn't even over yet.

There is no question that any holiday of the year now has become over commercialized and even with that said I will never be ready nor used to looking at Christmas related stuff or Halloween months before the event. By early October I can handle seeing stuff for Halloween. And by late November or earlier December am I then ready to deal with ads of television. Prior to that I just roll my eyes and change the channel. If I am in a store I just keep walking.

For god's sake let us enjoy the present season before leaping ahead by one of two seasons.

Reminiscing

September 7th, marked the 40th year since the love of my life was born. Had she lived I would have done something really special for her besides teasing her with Lordy Lordy look who's 40. Funny how from one year to the next feelings can be so starkly different. I remember a few years ago I got drunk celebrating her birthday. This year it's been more subdued. It's as if my body remembered and didn't't feel like celebrating. My way of celebrating her life is to write here in my little space online.

Trevelyan was one of the few people I let in past my wall, close enough to see me for who I really am and still loved me for me, accepted me for me flaws and all. She made me feel special, made feel like when we talked I was the only one who mattered to her at that given moment.

Not a day has slipped by me that she hasn't crossed my mind. The laughter, the tears, the yearning, all felt at one time or another. The thoughts of what might have been. Yes I still miss her with all my heart and probably always will but one day I will see her again when my time comes we will be reunited in a way that we didn't have a chance to experience here in this lifetime.

When she told me that she was dying she played a song over the phone for me. It was the song The Promise by Tracy Chapman. Ironically enough I found the song set to scenes of one of my favorite movies, Brokeback Mountain. I am posting the link because I have yet to learn how to post actual vidoes.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnKHZgSwepE

A friend posted some really beautiful words on her facebook that she had found online somewhere so I don't know where the credit belongs but they words say:

A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit all our keys and keys to fit all our locks. When we feel strong enough to open all the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong arund us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longs, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.

Until I came acrossed those words I couldn't find mine own to describe the impact that Trevelyan had on me. Having her in my life brought out the best of me and yes she made me feel safe. It was through her that life was indeed making life come to life for me.

Take Your Camera Everywhere You GO!

Yesterday for a split second I almost changed my mind about going downtown to a support group meeting I used to go to. I was wanting to go and support a friend who is currently dealing with some heavy stuff. Thank goodness it was a fleeting split second thought.

As I am accustomed to doing these days I grabbed my camera bag and off I went. After the group had finished another friend wanted to get my input on something she was dealing with so as we talked we wound our way through the city sidewalks to the market and sat for a while and talked. Of course now a days I am in two zones, one I am listening to my friend and at the same time my eyes are always on the look out for photo opportunities.

After sitting on the bench for a while as we chatted I noticed the sun had gone behind some clouds, looking back and thinking in my mind it was going to be a nice sunset I asked my friend if she minded if we continue walking. Of course my friend being the patient and understanding woman she is said she didn't mind at all.

Taking pictures along the way I wanted to get to an area where there wasn't a lot of wires or posts to deal with whiles taking pictures of the sunset and we found ourselves sitting on the steps near the Old Court House.

As we talked I would take some pictures and while I was taking one shot in particular a gentleman came by and asked if I was taking shots of the falcon. I said, "Where?!!" He pointed it out and just as I got my camera ready to get a shot the bird took off with a squirrel clutched in it's talons. I followed it hoping it would land somewhere but it was gone and I was bemoaning the fact I had missed an opportunity to get a shot of a Falcon.

My friend and I resumed our chat when I saw the bird was back sitting up on the Old Court Building. This time I was determined to not miss my opportunity.

And in that space of time I was so into what I was doing I felt like I abandoned my friend. But being who she is I glanced back and saw her writing in her notebook while I was going crazy taking pictures of what I determined weren't Falcons but Red- Tailed Hawks.

While getting the shots the fellow whom I had spoken to earlier had come back and was telling me and my friend that he lived in the apartment building nearby and noticed these hawks in the area for the last week. There was 3 hawks all together and I figured there must be a nest somewhere because two of them looked like immature red tailed hawks.

As the sun continued to set and I kept taking pictures all the while we came to learn that the fellow we were engaged in conversation with was from Cape Breton, Nova Scotia. As time went on there were certain words he would say and I could hear the accent, goodness it make me homesick. Haven't felt that feeling in long long time.

Last night was a great example of how glad I am that I have gotten into the habit of taking my camera everywhere I go, you just never know what you will see when you are out and about!

Scrambled Brains

Have you ever had a time when your brain has a hundred and one things running around in it and you don't know what to focus on first?

Now is one of those moments for me. Too many thoughts and I don't know what to start with.

Earlier this evening I sat down and watched the 2nd part of a 3 part series on CNN called God's Warriors. Last Night was the Jewish Warriors, this evening was the Islamic Warriors and tomorrow is going to be the Christian Warriors. I am watching this series in the hopes of trying to understand the mentality behind these 3 major religions.

Yes I was taught growing up there were two subjects you never spoke out loud about, religion and politics. Yet some how the two seem to have blended together more so in recent years then ever.

If I had to sum it up in one simple sentence of what crosses my mind thus far in watching the series it is: Regardless of what religion that is being spoken of they all seem to have one thread in common. What seems to encompass them is the mentality that their faith is the one and only true religion and that if people convert to their religion they will be saved.

The Jewish hierarchy relays that anyone who follows their God will be saved. The Islamic faith espouses the same mentality. And yet both faiths are pitted against one another in the middle east with clashes, violence and death that has rained over the region for decades.

And yes even the Christian faith has espoused the "Our God is the one and true God", recently reiterated by Pope Benedict himself that the one true religion is through the Catholic faith. The Christian church isn't without it's only infliction of violence and death, the witch hunt, the current day issue of sexual abuse that has permeated the Catholic Church.

So what does that mean for all those around the world who consider themselves Spiritual beings but not affiliated with any particular religion, are they all condemned to a life in hell? Personally I don't think there is a hell of fire and brimstone, I think hell is right here on earth and we live in it every day trying to make our way through all the negativity trying to maintain some modicum of sanity.

What I don't understand when I hear the , "It's God's will, or it's in the bible.." Who in this world has had a personal one on one conversation with their God like we are able to have with people on the phone or face to face. Until that happens I have a hard time believing people when they say they know what God wants.

My understanding, limited I will admit, tells me that which ever God of their faith , be it Islamic, Jewish, Buddism, Christianity, is that God is an all loving God, forgiving and certainly does not condone the violence and death perpetrated in His name. That is one thing I will never understand when I watch tv clips of Bin Ladin saying it's God's will for a jihad, or it's God's will for the death of those women declared as witches all those year ago. Seems to me that the various religions are playing God when it dictates who is right and who is wrong. Who are they to tell another religion or even another country that what they are doing is wrong. That is not for them to decide, that's God's job.

And now that I've rambled on that subject I can't remember the other stuff that was running in my head. I know it was just a bunch of ideas for future posts.